In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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