Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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