my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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