my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
