he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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