Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
