I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
