I think I won the penis lottery.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Even my vagina gasped.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
