ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
