CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
