There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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