you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
this will be a night to untag.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
