i already hear my dad disowning me
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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