Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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