On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
