apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
