I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
