1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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