I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
