Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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