i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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