I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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