tonight lets celebrate not being married
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
