My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
