if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
