Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
