nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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