The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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