Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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