i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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