i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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