You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
