I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
