I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
