Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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