i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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