Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
