hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
