Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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