the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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