Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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