Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
