Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
