Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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