I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
