remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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