i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
