the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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