At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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