Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
How's work?
Spinning.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
