The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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