I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
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