why didn't you poke me back
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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