Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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