I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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