Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
