If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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