She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
