the condom got lost in my hair
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm just crazy horny about you
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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