so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
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we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
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I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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