My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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